Sunday, March 27, 2011

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Birdemic was both shocking and terrifyingly bad. <3 <3 I loved it. So much that this is the world's longest movie review, and I pinkie promise that I will never let a review get this out of hand again.

Every once in a while, I manage to convince my little sister that it will be worth her time to watch a movie that has been given a rating lower than a 5.0 on IMDb (because those ratings are based on science, and you can't argue with science). This time, she herself saw a clip of this cinematic travesty and decided she was interested.. so, we did the cliche thing and got ourselves some drippy, buttered popcorn and turned off all of the lights and watched in amazement James Nguyen's 2.0 masterpiece.

Let me share our journey with you. And for real, this thing is littered with 'spoilers', if it's even possible to spoil this movie, so beware.

First of all, I'm really curious about just how many people in the world have managed to get past the first 45 minutes of this movie to even see the ravenous birds (see what I did there?) without walking themselves off of a cliff. Before anything good happens, we have to watch a guy drive a Mustang around for what felt like 15 minutes. The guy is named Rod ( this some sort of sick joke about hot rods? I'm on to you, Nguyen.) and is played by Alan Bagh, who delivers his lines like a bumbling illiterate trying to read the transcendental genius of Thoreau aloud for 90 minutes. Rod drives around some more, showing off his sweet ride, and meets some hot girl. Said girl is named Nathalie and turns out to be a model (really?). She apparently lands a cover gig with Victoria's Secret (really?!), because that's generic and easy to understand.

(Real quick, this is a picture of my cat watching the movie. He only ever looked at the TV when Whitney Moore was on the screen... so I caught him checking out her photo shoot.)

 Rod and Whitney go on the worlds most boring date in which Rod drones on and on about his exhilarating job as a solar panel salesman, his sexy Mustang and going green. Nathalie somehow finds this waste of life to be the man of her dreams.

After that, we get to see them go on another date at a pumpkin festival which serves absolutely no purpose to the rest of the film. We also get to see Rod hard at work...there's a scene of a meeting about stock options or some crap, meaning Rod is a rich man and can totally retire from his kick ass job!! Solar Panels!! Go green!! Mustang!! Anyway, this meeting scene is really something. The employees are all so pumped that they go on clapping for probably three solid minutes of my time. The camera will focus on two people clapping and nodding and excited, then their applause will start to wither and we'll get to see two more people who are fervently clapping their asses off...repeat about 40 more times. We meet Nathalie's mom who wants her to be a real estate agent instead of a model because it's more 'safe', but Nathalie is all excited about her dreamy rich new boyfriend. Mom clearly forgets her lines and makes them up as she goes, because even the director James Nguyen cannot be bothered with this shit (he's got special effects to worry about). All in all, it was another waste of my time.

Blah, blah, blah, so many pointless things are littered in this movie and I can't even remember the order in which they occur. Let's fast forward....Rod and Nathalie go on a double date with Rod's friend who just so happens to be dating Nathalie's friend, but all those two want to do is run off and do each other. Rod gets the hint and whisks Nathalie away for some hot lovin'.... well, it's about goddamn time. You know how horror movies work... sex = death. The happy couple is awoken by the screeching murder call of some vultures and eagles, I guess.

That video says it's the HD Trailer, but that's just a scene straight out of the movie. Enjoy.

Anyway, the two of them start freaking out about these birds. Why the hell are they hovering outside, screaming?! Why?! Why would they attack the window?! They get the balls to leave the place they're in, which I'm assuming is Rod's apartment but it looks like a shady motel room (it's quite possible that the specifics were actually laid out in the dialogue or something, but honestly I caught myself zoning out and thinking about grilled cheese so I probably missed it). Anyway, they meet some people next door when they try to run away from the ultra scary birds. Now, this next thing infuriated me. Rod and Nathalie and their new friends, another couple named Becky and Tony (I think?), decide they need to go outside and get away. But no, they don't drive away in the Mustang that we've just spent 45 minutes looking at. No, it's time to get in one of those sketchy white vans that nothing ever good comes out of. B-b-but....the Mustang....I don't get it. These idiots arm themselves with hangers, yes, hangers, and rush out to the van. They stand there battling the most terrifying (read: pussy CG) birds ever by swinging some wire hangers around and flailing their free arm, not getting in the van. Turns out there are weapons in the van! Sweet! Too bad no one can shoot worth shit and they would have been just as well off with those bright orange Duck Hunt guns, which is exactly what the gun shot effect looks like in this movie. Pew pew! Meanwhile, there's traffic in the background that can't be bothered with the birds. Fuck 'em.

Somehow the following events transpire, and again I can't honestly remember the order: The gang comes across some orphans and brings them aboard the van (totally okay in this situation, Los Angeles is being torn apart by birds that don't do shit. Typical survival rules are for the birds! Yeah, I said it...). They all stop for a nice picnic on the beach and meet some old man who knows way too much about the birds, but really doesn't explain a damn thing. Are you confused yet? Because I am.  Becky gets her face clawed off.  They go to rescue people off of a bus but when those sad souls are running from the bus to the van (because going from a larger vehicle to a smaller one with more people makes total sense) the eagles swoop down, do some more hovering, and then apparently squirt some sort of acidic fluid on these people and their faces melt off? I really have no idea. At this point, our hero Rod and his hot girlfriend Nathalie are left alone with the kids. How cute! I'm pretty sure the bird attack takes place in the span of a day, because I really can't remember seeing night fall... but these people need to stop and get water from pillaged gas stations every ten minutes. How much water do these cows need? Eventually some gas station attendant charges them either $50 or $100 a gallon for gasoline. Since that van is a real gas guzzler and Rod is a total baller he pays for it. They almost get killed by some crazy man who's out of gas and wants theirs, but thankfully those birds swooped in at the right time and ate his ass.

The best part was probably when they stop to get...wait for it...more water. They take these empty water bottles to a creek and they come across some hippie who lives in the woods. He goes on about how he's gotta stay in his tree fort and protect the old oak trees... Those things are hundreds of years old and much bigger than you, sir. I think they are protecting you. Anyway, he ends their conversation when he hears a mountain lion and has to get back to his job as Captain Planet. Then, all of a sudden, there's a god damn forest fire. How the fu-.......

The new family stops at the beach yet again and this time it's to go fishing and have dinner. The kids start demanding happy meals (if my parents died and I was picked up by some young, rich, unmarried couple I would make much fancier demands. 'I want a deluxe steak dinner and a side of new bicycle!') because they're obnoxious. Their cries must have attracted the birds, because all of a sudden -- OH SHIT! THE EAGLES! So they run back up to the van to take cover... one of the birds dive bombs the van. It's pretty awesome.

And then. All of a sudden....they just fly away.


Oh yes. The once angry, murderous birds just turn around and fly off into the sunset over the beach. It's quite beautiful. No, wait... it's not beautiful. It makes no fucking sense. The audience never gets any answers. We don't know what caused these attacks in the first place, or why the hell they ended so abruptly. I don't give a fuck what happens to Rod and Whitney and their new adopted children, I just want to know where the hell James Nguyen gets off ending a movie like that.

Fuck you, man. For real. I hate you....and I can't wait for Birdemic II: The Resurrection 3D. If this ever makes it to a theatre, I will drive as far as I need to in order to see it.

Nothing I said makes any sense and that's because the movie makes no sense. I can't explain to you the visual splendor of the CG birds...and really that's the best part. I was reduced to tears of joy. Please, just do yourself a favor and watch this movie. Seriously.

I can't believe I wrote this much. I am so sorry.

Secret's Don't Make Friends

...or something like that. Just so you all know, if I write a movie review there will probably be spoilers. This is mostly because I enjoy ruining things for other people. If you want a synopsis, go to imdb. I suppose you could go there for reviews as well, but you should stay here and read my snarky comments instead.

Consider this a warning. That is all.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Welp, I've decided to pull the trigger on this thing and start a blog. It should be fun for everyone!

Things you can expect:
A silly comic strip in which baby Dracula and Wolfman are BFF's.
Sarcastic (and hopefully hilarious) movie reviews.
Stories about my cat, Boris. 
Made up words, because I think I'm as cool as Shakespeare.
Random things that I really cannot prepare you for.
Garbage that I call 'photography'.

It would behoove you to know:
I do not have a penis.
I work on video games for a living, at the moment.
If you don't like beer, I probably don't like you. 

Things I love that will probably make frequent appearances on this page:
Boobs. ( . ) ( . )
'Yo Mama' jokes.
Yo Mama.

See you eventually for some legitimate content!